I read a blog post today by Undomestic Diva titled “Quality vs Quantity in the bedroom“. If you haven’t read it yet, then I’m not going to spoil the fun. Go and have a read (men especially) and then come back and continue from here.

You’re back? Ok, let’s get into it then.

Undomestic Diva’s post got me thinking about sex and why men feel they have to be “marathon men” and last for hours and hours. Why is this so important to men and why is it that there is this (seeming) misconception that women are thinking the same way? I think there are a number of reasons this has happened.

Let’s start with peer pressure. Is there some sort of masculine bragging right from being able to go the distance with a girl? Probably. A man wants to look like a stud to his mates. For some, that might be the number of ‘notches on the bed head’. For others, it is bragging about going at it for hours with the hot (or no so hot) chick.

A lot of the stories are probably exaggerated. It’s like the old fishing story about the one that got away, except this time it’s about the hours and hours of hot lovemaking. It probably was all over in five minutes, or thirty minutes. Multiply that by five and you’ve now got a ripping yarn to share with the mates.

So what do we mean by sex? Some women say they want longer and more satisfying sex. Do they mean thrusting in an out intercourse? Possibly. But they probably also want more intimacy. They probably want more attention from their man when they aren’t in bed (or about to be). They probably want a cuddle and a massage occasionally.

That doesn’t mean there should be a massage and cuddle session and kissing and foreplay and then some oral and then some massage and then perhaps some intercourse that goes for hours and hours. Sometimes that will be appropriate. Sometimes a “Wham, bam and thank you ma’am and sir!” is what you both need. Mixing things up is important, but make sure your man knows this.

If you have had intimacy issues in the past and you’ve gotten him to be more attentive, perhaps he thinks it ALWAYS has to be like this. It’s possible in the past he has had a similar situation with another relationship. All women and men are different, so he’s doing what he thinks is right from previous experience, when you really just want it done well and done now.

Then there are the premature ejaculation ads on TV, and this stuff is even mentioned in school. It’s a serious medical problem for some men, but there needs to be a clearer definition so that most men can get on with their life. To me, if you can’t have intercourse because a) it’s done before you even get inside or b) you get inside and that sets you off, then you might have an issue that needs some medical attention. Doctors can do wonders to help you.

The rest of you who are having sex but it just isn’t a long as you want it, you might just have to deal with it. Perhaps when your partner says, “It’s ok you know, I really enjoyed it” they mean it. If they don’t, they aren’t the right partner for you anyway.

Briefly, I’ll touch on porn. Male porn stars seem to last forever (or at least the length of a DVD). Do you think Peter Jackson filmed “The Lord of the Rings” in one take? I doubt it very much. They would not have filmed “The Lord of the Ring” in one take either. (If it’s a real porn title, shoot me. I made it up.) I’m lead to believe they also use numbing agents to allow them to last forever. Sorry, but I want to enjoy sex.

Finally, I think communication is very important. Men need to learn to trust what their partner is saying. If she says she wants it quick, she wants it quick. If she says she wants some more of this or that, then that is what she wants. Don’t second guess her and think “she’s just saying that to make me feel better.” I still make that mistake sometimes, but I’m human and learning.

If she is just saying it to make you feel better, the only person missing out is her. 99.9% of the time (yes, more made up statistics) they are telling you the way it is. “Hey, let’s skip this stuff and get down and dirty” should be music to your ears, not a “oh rod, she’s just trying to make me feel better cause I suck” moment.

So men, listen to your woman. Ask her what she wants you to do. If she wants it quick and fast, give her to her. Enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about lasting for ages longer than we were probably designed for. When she wants more than that, give that to her too. Listen, communicate and understand what she wants from you.

Women, talk to your man. Tell them what you really want. Be up front all the time, so they’ll believe you in the bedroom as well as outside. If they don’t understand, show them. They’ll get it eventually.

Perhaps you need to find some way to let him know what you want this time around. It’s ok to say that you shouldn’t have to tell him — he should just know. It’s easier to just tell him, and then enjoy the fruits of your labour, so to speak.